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For me as a woman in my late thirties, I’ve long felt that politeness is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a happy life, I’ve faced very low self-confidence. This mix of wanting to respect others and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Often, it happens so automatically that I’m unconscious of it. It stems from anxiety and has influenced both my personal and work life. It frustrates my family and friends and colleagues, and then I get upset when they bring it up—which only increases my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Asking Questions

This over-apologizing is especially troubling when it comes to addressing a group or asking questions in front of people. I try to have a script to stay concise and avoid nervous rambling, but even that fails most of the time. As an early-career academic in politics, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through gradual exposure, such as teaching classes and forcing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing humiliations from established male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I return to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I doubt I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still appreciate life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to curb the frequent sorrys. I’ve read that professional help might assist me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used correctly. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a strain on others.

Finding the Source

A therapist might explore where this urge comes from. Thoughts including, “How young were you when this developed?” or “Was it your own idea or learned from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once served us well become maladaptive in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as holding yourself back. You are aware it irritates those around you, yet you continue it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than acting. Much of effective counseling is about self-awareness, not just problem-solving. A experienced counselor will supportively question you, offering a safe space to consider and accept who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a connection-based method with a supportive guide might be more beneficial. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you treat, dismiss, and undermine yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your confidence can develop from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing long-standing behaviors is hard, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by reflecting on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid discomfort or being seen, by admitting perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a loop of frustration and anxiety.

Even thinking things through can be helpful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel listened to without you taking blame.

This journey will take time, but recognizing there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward change.